LESSON: If we’re not careful, robots will kill us all.
This is a humbling lesson for any child to learn, but an easy one to accept, considering Transformers was one of the coolest cartoons of the '80s. Would the Unabomber have renounced his violent ways if he were to witness the sheer stunning spectacle that is Grimlock? Hard to say, since he didn’t have a TV. But we will tell you one thing: when machines replace humans at the top of the food chain, we’ll be standing on the sidelines, waving our Autobot flag with fervent pride. Because, let’s face it, getting eaten by an alien car would suck.
(Painfully) Unforgettable Cartoon Theme Songs
Oh, don't act so shocked, you knew it was coming. Sure, the lyrics immortalize what we imagine was the greatest product pitch of the late twentieth century (“They're like robots! But, you know, in disguise”), but the music is atonal, screeching and forgettable. Half of the time the lyrics don't even fit. Especially enjoyable is when the songwriters try to squeeze the four syllables of “Decepticons” into a space where only one is available. So sorry, robo-fans. It was a great show, and an unbeatable idea, but amazingly crap-tastic composing.
Ah, the '80s. They gave us so much: Reagan, crack, AIDS, cocaine, Huey Lewis—the list goes on. But most importantly, the '80s gave us poorly designed cartoons that inspired us to become Dino-Riders, travel through the Spiral Zone or try and defy God's natural order and transform into a semi truck. To make sure we'd know exactly what to be angry at Michael Bay about, we went back to the cartoon to polish up on our Transformers chops. We were surprised to find that, just like dad, not all of the Transformers were as badass as we'd thought when we were younger. In fact, some of them were downright useless. :
Soundwave
Transforms into: A cassette player
Why is he useless?
Soundwave looks like he should be 100 percent badass, until you get to know him. He can read minds, intercept and block radio transmissions and is one of the strongest Transformers around; no easy task when all of your peers are enormous robots.
You stop liking/fearing/respecting Soundwave, however, when you realize that he uses all of his robot powers for the sole purpose of spying on his fellow Decepticons to detect mutiny. Seriously, he quietly hangs around his evil pals, waits for them to take issue with one of Megatron's orders and then records the shit out of it.
The other downside to Soundwave is that, when he's not out being a giant robo-narc, he's a motherfucking cassette player. We stopped needing a cassette player in like the early '90s. Can you even name a single person who owns a cassette tape anymore? If we want some tunes, we can just use the mp3 player on our niece's camera phone.
Did you hear that, Soundwave? Our 7-year-old niece's camera phone is a more impressive Transformer than you.
Nightbeat
Transforms into: A detective that also happens to be a car
Why is he useless?
Criminal No. 1: Hey, I think we should stop talking about our secret plans.
Criminal No. 2: Why's that?
Criminal No. 1: I think we're being followed by the Enormous Transforming Robot Detective.
Criminal No. 2: You mean that Honda wearing a trench coat and reading the newspaper?
Criminal No. 1: [pause] Yes. That's exactly what I mean.
Private detectives rely on being able to blend in and remain incognito while spying on suspects. Leave the huge, shape-shifting robot monster at home for this one.
Perceptor
Transforms into: A microscope.
Why is he useless?
Perceptor was designed with the sole purpose of going into battle and hanging out with Soundwave to figure out which one was more useless and outdated. It was a real barnburner until Soundwave's tape needed to be turned over and all of his Decepticon pals were busy trying to take over the world.
Perceptor: 1; Soundwave: 0. It should be noted that, though he is the winner, at the end of the day,
Perceptor is still a fucking microscope.
Repugnus
Transforms into: ????
Why is he useless?
It's still not really clear what Repugnus turns into. Some scholars claim that his secondary form is a metal crab, while still others maintain that he is just a “Monsterbot.” A third school of thought, however, suggests that Repugnus transforms from robot to “Fucking Pointless” in record time.
No matter what he is, it is a widely accepted fact in all circles that Repugnus is the very last one called in an emergency. In a pinch, the Autobots will call Computron to show up and create an algorithm, then they'll call the robot that's also a damn microscope, and then they'll just start sending regular, non-transforming cars and appliances. When finally out of vacuums, Optimus Prime will reluctantly call Crabmonsterbot.
