Najsmešnije u metalu

[Josif Visarionovič]

e keve ti Josife,odakle ih samo iskopavas toliko opskurne bendove!

 

Eee imam muzike da naranim ceo yumetal i sire svakome po ukusu.A Vesania bas i nije toliko nepoznat bend,slusaj samo Distractive Killusions

 

Ti možeš da slušaš Vesaniu u kolima?!

Recimo, kad bih u autu tako nešto slušao, pa još i odvalio - zakucao bih se na prvu raskrsnicu neminovno.

 

Bilo bi mi k'o na onome zlom sajtu, što ga okači onaj pajac na temi ''Automobili.''

 

Zasto da ne?Na jednom cd-u imam narezan

 

Septic Flesh,Behemoth,Nile,Morbid Angel...Mada Disfiguring izaziva najvise reakcija,pogledaj link i samo ce ti se kasti

[The Joker]

Ma dobro,ali bre izvlacis tako neke bendove...jbt,a ja mislio da se JA razumem u opskurni black...

[Josif Visarionovič]

Takvi su najbolji,samo da nije traktor produkcija i da nije previse old school moze da prodje.Inace Tajvan ima mnogo dobro bm bendove,i ceo taj azijski region,Indonezija,Indija...Da ne spamujem

[Lunar]

E meni se ovaj Disfigurnig the Goddess , bash svidja mada ovako mogu i ja da growlujem nista tesko.

 

Nego kakava je razliak izmedju Raw Black i obicnog Black metala, puno neslusam blek pa ono nespoznajem razlike?

[vudun]

Исто срање - друго паковање.

 

'Бем ли га, ваљда се под роу бљак подразумева онај олд скул, крш продукција и та издркавања.

 

И једно и друго му дође неартикулисана бука, част изузецима типа Ментал Хоум, Мизантроп и сл.

[vudun]

Уосталом шта се па ја просеравам када не слушам бљак мЈетал. Има овде дакако компетентнијих од мене, по питању овог жанра...

[Josif Visarionovič]

Kurac bi mogao tako da pevas,mozda pola minuta posle bi zavrsio na opstoj praksi zbog sjebanih glasnih zica

[Lunar]

Kurac bi mogao tako da pevas,mozda pola minuta posle bi zavrsio na opstoj praksi zbog sjebanih glasnih zica

 

Brate, poceo sam aktivno da vezbam pre godinu dana da growlujem zelim da budem dm pevac i gitarista. Sve mogu da izvucem ali nemogu brzo i dugotrajno(mislim dugo bez zastajkivanja) ono iz jednog cuga da odpevam, jer sto sam mali i nemam tako dobar kapacitet pluca, ali verujem da ce se to popraviti za godinu/dve kad malo dobijem i koju kilu vishe nego sad.

 

Inace moze odgovor na ono pitanje gore?

[oʞɾoƃ]

Raw black se sastoji iz nekoliko osnovnih komponenti:

 

1) Mržnja prema melodiji.

2) Ubedljivo najnesrazmerniji odnos broja rifova i dužine pesme u metalu.

3) Worshippovanje bendova koji su se pojavili pre 1990. (često samim tim i mržnja prema svima koji su se pojavili kasnije)

4) Tr00 vndergrovnd izdavačka kuća koju vodi klinac od 17 godina u podrumu, ima ugovore sa 4 benda i sva izdanja su limitirana na 100 primeraka.

5) Demo se od albuma razlikuje samo po broju pesama i postojanju dvostranog bukleta, nikako po produkciji.

6) Svo snimanje i miksovanje albuma mora se raditi kod kuće, na integrisanoj zvučnoj karti.

7) Last, but not least, bend (oba člana) mora imati što je više moguće retardiran imidž, sa tonom vodenih boja i metalnih rekvizita na sebi.

[The Joker]

Brate, poceo sam aktivno da vezbam pre godinu dana da growlujem zelim da budem dm pevac i gitarista. Sve mogu da izvucem ali nemogu brzo i dugotrajno(mislim dugo bez zastajkivanja) ono iz jednog cuga da odpevam, jer sto sam mali i nemam tako dobar kapacitet pluca, ali verujem da ce se to popraviti za godinu/dve kad malo dobijem i koju kilu vishe nego sad.

 

Inace moze odgovor na ono pitanje gore?

Pa valjda ti je iz naziva jasno da je raw siroviji zvuk.

E moj ti,neces se ti leba od growla najesti..ja se vec godinama vezbam pa mi je bilo povuci-potegni u Trecoj...

[Josif Visarionovič]

produkcija u raw-u ti je kao kad kultiviras bastu i onda slucajno izletis na betonsku stazu pa preores i nju

[Shoma Flynn]

Мени је ово на пример било убиствено-ваљао сам се по патосу једно пола сата... Ако сте већ читали ово и она правила разних праваца у металу-реците да не постујем...

 

50 Ways To Piss Off A Metal Head

 

1. Tell them every metal band worships the devil.

2. Ask if all black metal bands are trying to copy KISS or just most of them.

3. Hide their joint under their library card. (note from me: we have library cards?!)

4. Ask if they know of any other cool bands like Slipknot.

5. If they're listening to metal, tell them it sounds like some mainstream band. Doesn't matter who.

6. Say it's all a ripoff of Iron Butterfly anyway.

7. Ask if they've given their souls to Jesus yet.

8. Vaguely imply that you're gay and would like their company for the evening.

9. Record over their Cannibal Corpse albums with other Cannibal Corpse albums and see if they ever notice the difference.

10. Refuse to accept their fake I.D.

11. Ask how much Dio got paid for his role as Stuart Little. (ouch!)

12. Use the phrase "cookie monster vocals" and act like it's the funniest, most original thing you've ever come up with.

13. If they're listening to metal, tell them "These guys don't have talent. Now, those guys have talent!"

14. Say "What is vinyl?"

15. Point out how stupid Manowar is. If they agree, which they shouldnt, tell them the only thing more stupid is Black Sabbath with Dio.

16. Tell them it all sounds the same.

17. Admit that Cliff Burton was a dirty hippy who had already peaked musically.

18. If they say they love 80s metal, ask them what ever happened to Poison.

19. Tell them you like underground music too, like Godsmack.

20. Point out that Tarja from Nightwish can't sing.

21. Insist that Emperor videos would be better if they used a dance troupe.

22. Ask if Mayhem is Marilyn Manson's band.

23. Divert their CD shipments to the local Jewish community center.

24. Write "God Loves You" on their Venom backpatch.

25. Point out that just about every genre of music has an underground with bands who have integrity, so metal really isn't that unique.

26. Post under their nickname on a power metal board and say Ray Alder sh*ts all over John Arch.

27. Take out the Iron Maiden disc and put in 50 Cent.

28. Give them a spiky pop-punk haircut while they sleep.

29. Pronounce "Celtic Frost" correctly.

30. If they're over 25, say that people can still rock even if they have an unplanned child or two and drive a grocery getter. Then point and laugh.

31. Tell them you're not hiring and to try the other Cinnabon down the street.

32. Sit quietly and applaud politely at a metal show.

33. Make them be sober for five whole seconds.

34. Ask if Randy Rhoads was on the same flight as John Denver.

35. Tell them Korn brought metal back to life in the 90s.

36. Turn the bass way up on their stereo.

37. Laugh at Slayer for stealing their name from the Buffy show.

38. Call Doro fat.

39. Call them on their horrible grammar and/or spelling.

40. Remind them that metal is partially derived from the blues. Then accuse them of being widgets.

41. Use the phrase "balls in a vice" at least three times when talking about classic metal and/or power metal vocalists.

42. If it's a guy with long hair, address him as if he were female. Don't correct yourself about it.

43. Be impressed with how much RoadRunner Records has improved over the past ten years.

44. Say you love Metallica's debut, The Black Album. (lol!)

45. Notice that Lemmy hasn't moved his left hand in 30 years of playing bass. Haha.

46. Refer to metal as "that kill-your-father rape-your-mother stuff."

47. Ask them if their favorite band is so good, how come nobody has ever heard of them.

48. Pine for the good old days when Pour Some Sugar On Me was a big hit.

49. Tell them you used to be a metalhead, but grew out of it when you started listening to more intellectual stuff like...

50. Post a list of "Ways To Annoy Metal Fans" knowing full well that so many of them internalize everything and can't take a joke. (just jokes, guys! They're just jokes!)

 

П.С. Извињавам се што се удаљавам са теме!

Edited June 5, 2008 by Shoma Flynn

[Ni!]

4. Ask if they know of any other cool bands like Slipknot.

5. If they're listening to metal, tell them it sounds like some mainstream band. Doesn't matter who.

6. Say it's all a ripoff of Iron Butterfly anyway.

11. Ask how much Dio got paid for his role as Stuart Little. (ouch!)

12. Use the phrase "cookie monster vocals" and act like it's the funniest, most original thing you've ever come up with.

13. If they're listening to metal, tell them "These guys don't have talent. Now, those guys have talent!"

22. Ask if Mayhem is Marilyn Manson's band.

24. Write "God Loves You" on their Venom backpatch.

25. Point out that just about every genre of music has an underground with bands who have integrity, so metal really isn't that unique.

29. Pronounce "Celtic Frost" correctly. (!!!)

30. If they're over 25, say that people can still rock even if they have an unplanned child or two and drive a grocery getter. Then point and laugh.

31. Tell them you're not hiring and to try the other Cinnabon down the street.

32. Sit quietly and applaud politely at a metal show..

35. Tell them Korn brought metal back to life in the 90s.

37. Laugh at Slayer for stealing their name from the Buffy show.

38. Call Doro fat.

39. Call them on their horrible grammar and/or spelling.

40. Remind them that metal is partially derived from the blues. Then accuse them of being widgets.

41. Use the phrase "balls in a vice" at least three times when talking about classic metal and/or power metal vocalists..

43. Be impressed with how much RoadRunner Records has improved over the past ten years.

44. Say you love Metallica's debut, The Black Album. (lol!)

 

 

 

[Jabba the Hutt]

4. Ask if they know of any other cool bands like Slipknot.

 

7. Ask if they've given their souls to Jesus yet.

 

19. Tell them you like underground music too, like Godsmack.

 

22. Ask if Mayhem is Marilyn Manson's band.

 

 

24. Write "God Loves You" on their Venom backpatch.

 

 

38. Call Doro fat.

41. Use the phrase "balls in a vice" at least three times when talking about classic metal and/or power metal vocalists.

.

44. Say you love Metallica's debut, The Black Album. (lol!)

 

 

 

:)

[Shoma Flynn]

Још ми кажите да нисте ово читали...

 

 

101 Rules Of Power Metal

 

1. You have one goal: be epic.

2. Let no sound be lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a choir.

3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.

4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.

5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.

6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.

7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!

8. You are allowed to be blonde.

9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.

10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.

11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.

12. Ballads are permissible.

13. That doesn't mean your ballads can suck.

14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.

15. More solos means more epic.

16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.

17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.

18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.

19. 'Grim' and 'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!

20. Power metal depends on power chords.

21. 16th notes are the only notes.

22. Unless you're singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.

23. Keyboards get solos, too.

24. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.

25. Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki.

26. In case you didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See rule #1.

27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more.

28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.

29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty' without being laughed at. Much.

30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.

31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's harder to sing in a language that is not your first.

32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!

33. Tight. Pants.

34. You don't have to detune your guitars.

35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.

36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?

37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.

38. Fortunately, you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.

39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.

40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.

41. It's not a tour, it's a crusade!

42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live.

43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.

44. Wizards! You need wizards!

45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.

46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.

47. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar.

48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.

49. Songs don't begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.

50. Hail true metal!

51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.

52. Epic. Tight. Pants.

53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.

54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.

55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.

56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.

57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.

58. Drugs aren't metal.

59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.

60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points.

61. Since you can't get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.

62. Your accent will show as a consequence.

63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.

64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.

65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.

666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!

67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.

68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.

69. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass player.

70. Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein.

71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.

72. Never leave Europe.

73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.

74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.

75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.

76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album.

77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!

78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.

79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.

80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.

81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.

82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.

83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.

84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…

85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.

86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.

87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.

88. At your first gig, if you feel a "rising force", do be sure not to get it all over your audience.

89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.

90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.

91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.

92. Sing along.

93. Don't get caught singing along.

94. Glitter is not epic.

95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.

96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.

97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius.

98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.

99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.

100. To repeat: be epic.

101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.

[niking]

ima i ono: You know you listen to extremetal if... pa lista...

[Alx_WS]

Ahhhhahahaha - kada prestanem da se smejem - mozda i izbacim najsmesnije..... LOL Dio je najjaci LOL XD

[necko]

najjaca je lista 101 rules of hardcore

[Shoma Flynn]

Листу за хардкор нисам читао-дај!

Мени су најјаче пауер, прог, блек, дет... у ствари-све су до јаја!

Edited June 5, 2008 by Shoma Flynn

[Josif Visarionovič]

daj top 101 za princa tame

[necko]

http://www.live4metal.com/cradleoffun.htm

 

101 Rules of Hardcore

 

1) Be tough at all times.

2) Never cheer after a show, only clap.

3) Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way

4) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.

5) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.

6) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.

7) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.

8) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal.

9) (Exception to rule 8) Only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts.

10) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.

11) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.

12) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Example Screamcore, emocore, Screamocore, mathcore, or Medio-core.

13) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style.

14) Keep it in the do-jo.

15) Real hardcore fans are called kids.

16) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!

17) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.

18) Tell people you work in the music industry.

19) More Ankles people!

20) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.

21) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.

22) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape plan.

23) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.

24) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.

25) Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.

26) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album.

27) Start your own hardcore band.

28) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia.

29) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.

30) If you are shy start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience.

31) People who know more bands than you are better than you.

32) Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfuckX

33) Never say "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.

34) It's merch not Merchandise.

35) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.

36) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.

37) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are.

38) Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.

39) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer.

40) When people ask you if you like a band always say "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff."

41) Buy all of that bands merch.

42) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.

43) Repeat steps 41 and 42

44) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones.

45) Don't tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.

46) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.

47) Complain that they are playing with Slayer but don't admit you actually like Slayer.

48) Complain at all costs.

49) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool

50) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.

51) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.

52) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The mother fuck" or "kick that guys ass move" or better yet... stay home and cry.

53) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.

54) Scream about love.

55) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.

56) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.

57) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.

58) Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.

59) Velcro shoes are cool.

60) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.

61) Your band name should contain one of the following words: Blood, Murder, Kill, Victim and butterfly.

62) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.

63) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.

64) 100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.

65) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.

66) Re-issue your demos after every album.

67) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.

68) Crying on stage makes you a professional.

69) Complain some more.

70) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.

71) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.

72) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.

73) Never admit that Emo is Country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.

74) American Idol is your worst enemy. (But you voted for Ruben)

75) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.

76) Fuck beer, Got breast milk?

77) Bandanas are cool.

78) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.

79) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poser.

80) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.

81) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.

82) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.

83) Look up Socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.

84) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.

85) Describe your group of friends as "the scene" and then watch bootlegs of last weeks

86) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.

87) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.

88) Keep punching

89) Kick a little too

90) Punch

91) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.

92) Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.

93) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.

94) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy.

95) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.

96) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.

97) Straight bangs means straight-edge

98) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm.

99) When in doubt Mock everything

100) Take everything personally.

101) Assume this list is about you

[Shoma Flynn]

101 Rules Of Black Metal

 

1. Don't be gay.

2. Be "true".

3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.

4. Be grim.

5. Be necro.

6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.

7. Break things while being grim and necro.

8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.

9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.

10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...

11. ...Listen to Peccatum.

12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.

13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".

14. Don't be Dani Filth.

15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."

16. Don't be Dani Filth.

17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.

18. Run for it!

19. Sodomize a virgin whore.

20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)

21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.

22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"

23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.

24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.

25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..

26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.

27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.

28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.

29. a) paint face. go in woods. c) act like troll.

30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).

31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.

32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.

33. Don't make jokes.

34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.

35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.

36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".

37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.

38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.

39. Never play live.

40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.

41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)

42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.

43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".

44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.

45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".

46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.

47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.

48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.

49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).

50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.

51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.

52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.

53. Never say "friggin".

54. Never finish anything you start.

55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".

56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".

57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.

58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".

59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.

60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.

61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.

62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)

63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.

64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.

65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)

666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.

67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).

68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(

69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...

70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.

71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!

72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.

73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)

74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".

75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"

76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.

77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!

78. That's better, on with the interview!

80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")

81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.

82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.

83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.

84. Don't make references.

85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.

86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".

88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.

89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)

90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.

91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.

92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.

93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?

94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.

95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.

96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.

97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)

98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)

99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.

100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!

101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

 

[Andrija Smith]

Aaaaa Shoma Flynn svaka ti cast, smejem se kao ludak ovde. :lol:

 

Ovo je najjace:

16. Tell them it all sounds the same.

Edited June 5, 2008 by Piper...

[Shoma Flynn]

Пази ово! Ја лично "не готивим" ( ) прог, па ми је ово нарочито смешно...

 

101 RULES OF PROG METAL

1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.

2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

3. Have contempt for mainstream music.

4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.

5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.

7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.

8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.

10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.

11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.

12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.

13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.

14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don't necessarily have to.

15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.

16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.

17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.

18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.

19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.

20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.

21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.

22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".

23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.

24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.

25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...

26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.

27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.

28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.

29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.

30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.

31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.

32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They're not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?

33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.

34. Make sure your bandname is either a

a) Oxymoron

-Silent Noise

-Tender Harshness

-Healing Gun

Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.

-Deitronus

-Tarakoch

-Fentaran

or

c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.

-Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can't get much progger than that)

-Redolent Arithmetic

-Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated

35. Don't worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).

36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.

37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:

"I'm staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"

"Mornings' gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"

"A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."

38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.

39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don't worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!

40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".

41. Change time signatures. Constantly.

42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.

43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.

44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!

45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don't understand your music.

46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.

47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?

48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.

49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.

50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don't need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don't know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.

51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.

52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.

53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.

54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.

55. Do not move on stage. Don't under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.

56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.

57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you've got it now, haven't you?

58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."

59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don't kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993's "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.

60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.

61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!

62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!

63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.

64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn't more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".

65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.

66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.

67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock 'n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.

68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.

69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!

70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I'm talking about)

71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.

72. Get a dog.

73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.

74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.

75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.

76. What do you mean, you haven't trigged your bassdrum?

77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.

78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.

79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.

80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.

81. Write epics.

82. In case you didn't know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.

83. Have racks with loads of equipment.

84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don't display them?

85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.

86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"

87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.

88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.

89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.

90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.

91. BOOOM!!!

92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.

93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.

94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.

95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.

96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.

97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.

98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.

99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.

100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.

101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!

 

@ .немања. Брате 'де си нашао оно са принцезом и змајем-вришт'о сам од смеха

Edited June 5, 2008 by Shoma Flynn

[necko]

to sa princezom i zmajem je staro. veoma staro...