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Dragonforce


Crusader

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DragonForce = Kid Metal (bez uvrede onima koji su fanovi naravno) ovo kazem zato sto se klinci koji ulaze u metal mnogo loze na te video igrice efekte (naravno bio sam jedan od njih) :P

Jes' crap Dragonforce, ali ti mozes da budes samo Shinigami, ne ShinigamY. :P

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  • 2 months later...

I’d never heard DRAGONFORCE before and didn’t think I’d be the best person to review their material as other staff members were already well acquainted with the band and their music. When I asked if they’d be interested in reviewing their latest full length offering ULTRA BEATDOWN reactions ranged from “if you make me review that fucking band I quit” to “if you make me listen to that fucking band I will go to your house with an axe and cut your hands off and feed them to you.” Based on their reactions you’d think I asked them to give me a prostate examination with a gloveless finger while giving me a reach around. I knew then what must be done; I’d have to man up and review it myself.

 

ULTRA BEATDOWN opens with "Heroes Of Our Time" which bursts forth like a rave at a gay bar filled with men draped in feather boas, cutoff jean shorts and construction boots parading about like they’re trying out for a part in Fame. The music is a swirling whirlwind of flaming technical riffing, 80s hair metal singing and what sounds like the keyboardist who performed on EUROPE’s "The Final Countdown".

 

The eight tracks on ULTRA BEATDOWN are marathons, clocking in at an average length of seven and a half minutes for each song. The best way to describe their music would be to take the absolute cheesiest aspects of 80s hair metal, speed it up, add some keyboards and high pitched 80s hair metal vocals while a group of the most effeminate men imaginable perform a circle jerk around DRAGONFORCE as they shred away at their instruments.

 

I’ve heard some ridiculous over-the-top shit in my 25 years of listening to metal, and I’ve seen some ridiculous over-the-top shit in my 5 years working in the porn industry, but DRAGONFORCE’s ULTRA BEATDOWN is by far the most flamboyantly gay thing I have ever experienced in my life. Watching George Michael, Rob Halford, Elton John, Lance Bass, Boy George and Liberace in a bareback leather orgy where each man shoves fireworks up his urethra and anus and sets them alight for a bright sparkling climax would only be half as gay as this.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals, if you’d rather have some effeminate guy named Steve to shove his dick in your ass so you can poop funny and bleed from your ass for a week than to stick your dick in a warm inviting vagina then that’s great! Jack off all over each others’ faces, jam your fists up each others ass while reciting Shakespeare and dressing up like giant hideous Vegas showgirls, just really go all out with it.

 

The point I’m trying to make is this; if you love vagina and boobs and ever hope to have a girl let you touch either one of them then you should absolutely not listen to DRAGONFORCE. Listening to DRAGONFORCE is the first step to admitting to the world that you would rather visit an NBA locker room so 7 foot tall behemoths can park their cocks in your ass than to go to the Playboy mansion and have an orgy with all of the Playmates from the last 5 years. Just wearing a DRAGONFORCE t-shirt sends a clear message to all women and men who see it, the message isn’t “Hey, I’m a DRAGONFORCE fan.” the message reads more like a giant arrow on your chest pointing towards your mouth that reads “INSERT COCK HERE!” with another arrow on the back pointing down towards your ass with another message that reads “INSERT COCK HERE!”

 

I know there are DRAGONFORCE fans out there who will get upset and offended by the things I say. They’ll say dumb shit like I don’t know what good metal is and that I can’t appreciate the technical complexity of DRAGONFORCE and their music. I’ll admit, the members of DRAGONFORCE are excellent musicians, they show a great deal of talent and technique, however… the music of DRAGONFORCE is much like a big budget movie. It’s like taking action movie icon Arnold Schwarzenegger of Predator, Terminator and Conan, sticking him in a movie with Oscar winner George Clooney, Oscar nominee Uma Thurman and Vivica A. Fox… can you imagine how brilliant that could be? Wow… surrounding Schwarzenegger with real acting talents?!?! Then make it a Batman movie. Holy shit! The potential awesomeness is making my dick hard and my brain malfunction. You get hyped for it, waiting for months for it to be released and then finally it hits the screen; Batman & Robin starring multiple Oscar award winners and nominees, a cast overflowing with talent and… it’s a huge steaming pile of shit! That’s DRAGONFORCE.

 

The bottom line is, if you like DRAGONFORCE never admit it to anyone. Ever. You’d get a much better reaction from people if you were to tell them you were a serial dog fucker with a fetish for smearing dog shit on your face and are physically unable to stop yourself from grinding your cock inside every animal you see without a leash. I need to turn this fucking CD off before I do something regrettable like smearing peanut butter all over my balls and inviting the neighbor’s dog over for a visit. This album is fucking awful, if you like this band do yourself a favor and try jerking off into your own mouth on your front porch instead of listening to their music, it’ll be much less embarrassing than having someone find out you actually like this stupid band.

 

Najbolja recenzija koju sam ikad video, ne mogu da dođem sebi :) :) :) :) :)

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When I say “worthy of my time and writing talents” I mean to say, he thinks the album is gay and feels the album should be reviewed by a guy who knows a thing or two about immoral acts of carnal depravity involving another man’s ass.

Sa recenzije Mastodona.

:)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ma daj. Gledao sam ih na "MOR"u, smeshni su ko crtani film, klavijaturista koji 'svira' i valja se po podu na ledjima dok svira, do te mere da su mu pantalone pukle i ispala .. alatka, aj da se pravim fin. I jos je bio u nekoj flurescentno roze majci i drecavo flurescentno zutim pantalonama, i izgledao je kao naduvan osmogodisnjak koji igra guitar, da ne kazem keyboard hero ... cak iako nikad nisam nesto posebno slusao bend, njihov nastup mi je bio toliko smesan i jadan, da zaista nemam reci. A pevac je isfalsirao sve sto je mogao, ono je tek bilo loshe ...

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Ma daj. Gledao sam ih na "MOR"u, smeshni su ko crtani film, klavijaturista koji 'svira' i valja se po podu na ledjima dok svira, do te mere da su mu pantalone pukle i ispala .. alatka, aj da se pravim fin. I jos je bio u nekoj flurescentno roze majci i drecavo flurescentno zutim pantalonama, i izgledao je kao naduvan osmogodisnjak koji igra guitar, da ne kazem keyboard hero ... cak iako nikad nisam nesto posebno slusao bend, njihov nastup mi je bio toliko smesan i jadan, da zaista nemam reci. A pevac je isfalsirao sve sto je mogao, ono je tek bilo loshe ...

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Kad sam prvi put cuo DragonForce, svidelo mi se nekoliko pesama. Kad sam prvi put cuo kako zvuce live, smucili su mi se. Ne razumem poentu pravljenja muzike koju nameravas da sviras uzivo, ali da ne moze ni 5% dobro da zvuci kao u studiju. Negde sam procitao komentar jednog live nastupa DragonForce-a: Fali im glavni instrument, kompjuter :) :) :)

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